Enough is Enough: A Thinking Ape’s Critique of Trans-Simianism

The following was taken from a cave wall painting in southern Tunisia more than 300,000 years ago. Fossil evidence suggests that the author was of the species Homo erectus.

To further expound upon the topic of last week’s installment, I will address the more specific claims of Dr. Klomp and his radical theory that has been gaining wider acceptance throughout the community. Once again I would like to thank our readers for sending in your fish bones and boar hides in support of this journalist’s campaign to expose Dr. Klomp’s trans-simianist prattle for what it is: a collection of wishful thoughts out of keeping with any factual evidence.

The term ‘trans-simian’ comes from the shortening of ‘transitional simian,’ a concept Dr. Klomp has developed to describe an individual who is in an evolutionary transition from simian to post-simian, though Klomp himself admits that he is not entirely clear what a true post-simian would be. Characteristics exhibited by a trans-simian include augmentation of one’s natural abilities with ‘tools,’ as well as one’s mental capacities with what has been dubbed ‘culture.’

Klomp’s primary argument rests on what he calls the ‘Quickening,’ an imagined point somewhere in the future when the advancement of ‘culture’ occurs so rapidly that its pace will far exceed that of biological evolution. In his own words,

"There will come a time when within a single generation we will develop one or possibly even two new ideas… Current advancements in the ‘bow’ and ‘arrow’ industries suggest an exponential trend in the expansion of our technological capacities. We are able to perform hunts in a fraction of the time it took our ancestors, thus freeing up valuable time to ‘ think ‘ of new ideas. In the post-simian world, we may develop into a species that is not only intellectually superior to our current state, but capable of feats beyond the comprehension of a contemporary simian."

Pardon this author for not holding his breath.

Notice that Klomp cherry-picks discoveries to better support his argument of an exponential growth. It took more than a million years to develop fire and the hand-ax, and yet Klomp believes simply because it took only 2,000 years to develop bows and arrows that new inventions will spring up in even shorter timeframes. This theory is an expansion of ‘Morg’s Law,’ which states that since a sharpened rock can in turn become a chisel to make an even sharper rock, that the sharpness of hand-axes will increase exponentially over the span of tens of thousands of years. While Morg’s Law has so far proven accurate, Klomp can’t escape the reality that there is an upper limit, namely that a rock can only become so sharp. We have already noticed a slight decline in the growth of hand-ax sharpness, but Klomp insists that when the potential of stone axes becomes exhausted, new materials will be discovered to replace the rocks and continue the exponential trend of sharpness. As of the time of this article, however, he has provided no evidence of what these miracle rocks are. Klomp also argues that there will come a time when we will use tools to create other tools, though naturally this is a laughable fiction since there has never been any recorded evidence of a tool making another tool, or even any records for that matter.

Another factor in Klomp’s post-simian world is the development of "abstract thought" that will be aided by

"the ability to store memories and thoughts outside our brains onto physical media, perhaps on flattened tree bark. To achieve this we will have to overcome the problem of turning words, which are sounds, into things we can see, but given current trends this is an engineering issue that will ultimately be resolved. This will be the real catalyst for the Quickening, when the memories of one generation will literally become immortal and then build upon the memories of the next, creating a sort of mass mind that experts in my field are calling “history.” In the post-simian world our era might even be referred to as pre-history."

Here we see Klomp’s predictions descend from unsupported speculation to sheer fantasy. His recent cave painting, The Quickening is Near, explains in great detail different methods we may employ to transform words into some kind of visible format, but all are incomplete. The simple fact remains that words are sounds, not pictures, and no amount of wishing will change that. Even if such a thing were possible, it is doubtful that many would wish to store their memories externally. This author, for one, would prefer it if his memories stayed in his head and not on some cold, lifeless bark.

The most shocking of Klomp’s predictions, however, is that we apes will have little or no place in the post-simian world.

"As technological progress outpaces biology, new selective pressures will arise that will force our species to evolve mentally and physically beyond what we are now. This is the same trend that gave rise to our own intelligent species, but it will only accelerate in the coming generations. Our new environment increasingly favors higher dexterity and intelligence, and so the true post-simian will not be an ape at all. It will share some similarities with the modern ape, but at the same time possess capacities far beyond our comprehension. The thought capacity of a single post-simian could be greater than the combined brains of every ape in the world."

More intelligent than an ape? Klomp fails to explain just what a post-ape can think of that we mere mortals cannot. The capacity of the simian mind is already far beyond any animal in the world: We are capable of using speech to let others know where we are, where to sleep and eat, and where to find shelter when it rains. Exactly how fast do we need our brains to be to figure these things out? When will we decide that enough is enough?

Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that such a post-simian future is possible or even probable. Is it really a world we should want to strive for, where our very ape nature is stripped away in the name of efficiency? Technologies such as the bow and arrow already desimianize the act of hunting. While our ancestors were able to experience the pure ape feeling of clubbing an animal to death with a rock, we are left with the cold, sterilized bow that kills cleanly and quickly from a safe distance. This separation from basic daily activities is a slippery slope. What would happen if we no longer had to gather fruits and nuts, and they simply grew wherever we wanted them, or had drinking water flow right to our feet instead of wandering in search of streams for days? These seeming conveniences would rob us of what it means to be an ape.

Klomp predicts that through a technology called ‘hygiene’ we could extend the simian lifespan well into the late 20s or possibly 30s. What exactly will the post-simian do with all that time? Do we really want to live in a society populated by geriatric 27- year- olds? In living so long and spending so much time ‘thinking,’ do we not also run the risk of becoming a cold, passionless race incapable of experiencing our two emotions (fear and not fear)? How much of our simianity are we willing to sacrifice for this notion of progress?

Rest assured that while Klomp may have accru ed a recent following, there is no reality to his fantastic claims. What is concerning is the increasing number of young apes spending less time clubbing animals and more time ‘inventing,’ ‘thinking’ and ‘creating,’ none of which contribute to the preservation of the simian way of life. These sorts of fads come and go, however, and this author is confident that in a short while everyone will have forgotten about Klomp and the notion of being anything more than an ape.”

-Thog

Professor of Finding an Animal and then Killing It,

The University of the Woods

-- Translated by Aaron Diaz

* In Watchmen Ozymandias has an action figure line planned using the main characters, all of whom are deconstructed superheroes, at best antiheroes and at worst mass-murdering psychopaths. However, official ones are being released as a movie tie in—it's not clear whether this is tongue-in-cheek or whether they're just milking all they can out of it. Oddly, he didn't approve of the action figures of Rorschach or Night Owl. Even the guy who murdered half of New York draws a line sooner than DC. Though a large part of it is he thinks they won't sell ("The world isn't interested in superheroes").

• Also, there is quite a bit of difference between making a action figure of dark but fictional characters and making action figures of people who, in his universe, actually existed.
• Looking over at This Troper's Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud and Barack Obama chilling out with Zuko, Snoopy, and Gutsman makes me wonder what exactly that difference is.
• "It's ok, as long as they were recently deceased or currently alive mass-murders?" Unless there is something about Eintsein, Freud and Obama that people haven't told this troper about.
• The physicists and astronomers will look up at me, with their failing Newtonian cosmology, and shout, save us! And I will say, 'E=MC^2.' Hey, he was out sniffing drainpipes in "Desolation Row."

From the TV Tropes page on Misaimed Marketing

The Story of Dawn!

Bye mom! I, know being 10, can choose my career, as you already know. I want to be a Pokemon Master! I will travel to every dark alley, every evil doers hideout, and help out grown men. They might even compliment me on my skirt that I can't even sit down in without showing my panties! Nothing can go wrong! Especially with my violent deformed penguin! He will be able to knock out scary birds and the fattest gerbils you have ever seen! And if he dies, I will go throw magical tennis balls at wild deformed animals! That way, when I obtain their freedom, I can use them to fight other deformed animals against their wills. They will belong to me! ME!! I even get an exclusive encyclopedia that I can use to find out about other deformed animals! Yep, the long perilous journey, full of people all look alike. I am going to need help, I realise. That is what I have random strangers for! I will ask them my question, and they will give me an answer! Over and over and over again, as if they cannot say anything else. I don't even have to worry about money shortage! I will scam everybody out of their money with my penguin that trained on deformed animals! His explosive bubbles will save the day! Well this is it. See you after I beat the champion!

retaggr

Mega Man characters taking a test

Hm...

Just for random laughs, if Harpuia, Leviathan, Fefnir and Phantom were stuck in a college classroom, and had to take a math test-

Who would come close to acing it?

Harpuia takes the exam fair and square. 93.
Leviathan tries to seduce the proctor. 100.
Fefnir cheats off Harpuia. 85.
Phantom steals the answers. 100.

Other exam-takers:
Elpizo gets stuck on a question and tries to absorb the Dark Elf for brainpower. DQ'd for cheating.
Omega's pen(cil) breaks, he destroys a row of seats in anger with charged saber. DQ'd for property damage.
Ciel contests the lethally competitive nature of the exam, but buckles down and finishes it anyway. 90.
Zero is given the answers by X, but self-DQ's to take the exam without outside interference. X is DQ'd for giving out answers.
Copy X tries to call Phantom out for cheating, but is shot by most everyone else in the room for being a tattletale. DQ'd to receive medical attention.
Neige sneaks a microfilm camera into the classroom, takes photos of exam to run exposé on broken school curriculum. Gets a 75 taking it legitimately, but contests results on the grounds that it was biased towards the limits of Reploid processing power.
Kraft takes exam legitimately. 80.
Alouette uses bunny-mounted time-space communicator to get answers from Prairie. Prairie lies about several right answers to prevent a time paradox. 85.
Colbor takes exam legitimately, but brought all the post-exam snacks. 105 after 10 points of extra credit.
Megaman.EXE takes exam by mistake - his class was two doors further down. 95 with some explaining to do about the zero in Life Sciences.

Hm... What about Weil or the operators?

For more paradox based fun, Giro.

Weil would probably ace it, but posing an unfair advantage for his genius, automaticly DQ'd.

Janne (red-haired operator, IIRC) is the proctor. I don't believe this will affect Leviathan's score too much.

Weil is the department head... at least, until the Zero semester ends with Zero stopping him from slamming Ragnarok into the football field.

ZX Semester - Calculus 1 Midterm Results
Department Head: Master Thomas
Proctor: Master Mikhail
(Albert is busy cleaning up the football field for his nefarious purposes.)

Vent takes exam properly. 85.
Giro has a heart attack mid-exam, passes his answers to Aile in his death throes. Roommate Cedre gets a free ride for the semester.
Aile uses Giro's answers (mostly right), but was dared to slip a certain "upgrade part" in her shorts while taking the exam. 95 and a pending sexual harassment lawsuit against Ashe.
Grey keeps trying to take the exam legit, but throws Model A into a window after it keeps whispering answers to him. DQ'd for cheating AND property damage.
Ashe's booty fixation leads to her becoming aroused during a word problem regarding pirate treasure. 75 (DNF) and a pending crush on Tron Bonne.
Prometheus tries re-wording the word problems so that they revolve around causing mayhem. Strangely, it works. 95.
Pandora takes the exam properly, but gets DQ'd for using headphones in class (despite both her 100 AND the fact that the only audio files in her helmet were The Mega Man Network's downloadable music database).
Aeolus reads the first page, leaves exam room claiming it a foolish waste of time. Self DQ'd.
Thetis demands a copy of the exam printed on 100% post-consumer paper. DQ'd for being a hippie.
Atlas takes exam properly. 80, but demands extra credit through an applied lesson conducted in joint with the school's ROTC unit.
Siarnaq gets caught in an interminable loop upon hitting a typo. 50 (DNF) and two weeks in the shop.

But Classic doesn't have that many major players. And damned if I'm making up results for - what is it now, two sixes plus eight eights - yeah, 76 Robot Masters. Plus the "Genesis Unit." And the Rockman Killers. And the Stardroids. And Oil Man and Time Man. And the MM3PC Robot Masters. And King. And Fake Man. And Dark Man. And Mettonger Z, who I'm only really including because I'm a Super Robot fanboy and it was the most awesome fortress boss in MM6.

So I'll humor you instead with an exam held in a world covered by endless water...

General Knowledge Exam - Legends Semester
Dept. Head - Mistress Yuna (body: Matilda Caskett)
Proctor: Megaman Juno

Trigger takes exam properly...or at least, that's what everyone believes since they don't know Data is feeding him answers. 100.
Roll tries to take exam properly, but Tron's constant annoyances lead to fisticuffs. Both are DQ'd after a Servbot goes flying through a window.
Tiesel tries scanning for the answer sheet with his heretofore-unexplained robot eyes, but winds up distracted by the confiscated porno mags in Juno's desk (mostly from Trigger, shockingly). 35 (DNF).
Bon makes random marks. 65, even though all write-in answers in the English portion are filled in with iterations of "Babuu."
Sera (body: default) sneaks out of the exam room, proceeds to invade the department office to launch a Curriculum Reinitialization Program. Stopped by Yuna. DQ'd for attempted genocide, pending review session in Yuna's quarters.
Glyde hot-dogs the exam, confident that his reputation as a legacy will fill in the gaps. The previously ejected Tron makes sure to throw a wrench in that plan with a few well-placed bits of misinformation in his school record. 75, pending investigation into 4 instances of underage drinking during a school-funded function and 2 charges of inappropriate advances towards a Servbot.
Bola takes exam properly, if half-heartedly 'cause he's already got a free ride for the semester (trauma due to roommate Klaymoor being hospitalized for back issues). 70.
Pokte Mayor tries turning the tables, giving Juno an exam. Juno pays the 2 million Zenny instead, since he always misses the "heaviest quark" question. 88.
Guildmaster, knowing full well he didn't bother studying, rigs the building to self-destruct if he fails. Trigger decides he'll have none of that, and starts passing him enough answers to guarantee the school's safety. 80.
Appo, Dah, and Shu send their exams in absentee, being absent to attend to an abused pig in the hospital. 90/90/100.

What happens when you mix Pikachu with Will Smith?

Now this is a story all about when,
I beat my Rival back to Viridian.
I'd like to a moment, I won't be a pest,
I'll tell you how I became the Champion, the best.

In northwestern Pallet Town, born and raised,
Out in town is where I spent most of my days.
Dreaming up, fishing, relaxing, in the zone,
And flirting with my Rival's sister in his home.
When he picked up a pogey, and was up to no good,
Started being an ass in my neighborhood.
We got in one little fight, and Oak got impressed,
He said, "Take this pokemon, now go catch the rest."

I whistled for my friends, and when they came near,
The sister gave a townmap, Mom said, "Good luck, dear."
If anything I could say that I wanted to stay home,
But I thought, "Naw forget it...Yo homes, to Plateau!"

I...pulled...up to Indigo, at about seven or eight,
Got one-fifty pogies, made the E4 yell, "RAPE!"
Beat up my Rival just five minutes later,
And registered my name as the Pokemon Trainer.
- AcePiGGy

Scientific explaination of Hell

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+